A fallen boy and A fight one..

December 10th, 2011
Its been my 4th day since the shock thing happened in my life. Suddenly everything moves so pretty fast, like a quote I heard along long time ago for many times. I tried to tell you, but never once I have an enough strength on my hands. My mind always turns back into a same place, the laboratorium. When he fallen away from his chair, its eyes looked me and close slowly. I just saw him like a freaky man. I thought his joke was so overrated. But when he closed his eyes, I left all things on my hands, stopped doing what exactly I have to do and caught him up. These little arms tried to let his body lay on. And everything moves pretty fast, they’re screaming out and tried to save him too. I left him, let the boys helped with their strong arms. I followed where their put him on. Unable to speak easily what I saw, stiffness. I prayed to God, he’s okay, he’s got nothing on his accident, scared.

4th day ago, we have a practice about blood type and rhesus. I asked my partner, my senior exactly, Dennise Afianto, to be a victim here. And what a stupid chimenk, I didn’t ask him about his condition such; “did he has his breakfast?” or “did he get sleep enough?” I never worried about his condition firstly!!! How shall it be? Im gonna to be a doctor, and stupidly I didn’t know the simplest question!!

Too much mistakes when I took his blood, about hypodermic needle, stemming and how I released the needle  I’m so sorry T.T he just fallen like a freaky man. And for the first time in my life I cried for a man (not including my brothers). Lucky you, this tears I presented for you ckck. Dammit!

Unconsciously, there so much things I have to face up. I scared about his girlfriend first  what is she gonna to do ? they scared me with some argument about her, but ko Dennise made me sure that his girlfriend is not a monster! And im still alive until this afternoon.

The same day, I have a fighting with my brother. I was so hurted by his words. And how I hated (all) my brothers so damn much! I blamed myself. I still feel nothing. When we frighten I felt nothing with myself, I needed to find something, runaway. Monica told me, there’s should be a way to solve, not runaway. Face it. I tried to forgive myself and find inner peace again in my heart. Until my last breath today, I cannot find it. It may happened cause I never forgiving my brother directly, he didn’t apologized me directly too! Do I keep his record of wrong? Probably, there still mad..

Guys, don’t you want to know a secret I’ve been hidden now?
Better you never known that, its not chimenk if there’s no secret of her life!



N.B: Today, we’re talking about “who am I?” gue sendiri juga masih bingung siapa gue sebenarnya. Entah proses pencarian jati diri berjalan atau tidak, gue belum menemukan satu jawaban yang pasti untuk itu. Too much to think about than just a little question “who am I, huh?”
Sometimes, I looked myself and the mirror shown up who was exactly in front of that, I didn’t ever know what’s the mirror shown up. Known myself as a student of Tarumanagara University never made you changed nor proud. Clumsy. Stiffness. The worst things I had probably would diminished my point by you, tsk!
Recently (my post before) my mind and soul so complicated to describe. Too much pain. Hati gue berkecamuk ngga karuan. Pengen mingle kesana kemari tapi kek jiwa ngga ditubuh sendiri. Jalan seakan-akan kek mayat hidup. Mati segan, hidup tak mau. That’s presented for me by Vinta. Makin menggerogoti hati itu sebenarnya bukan dari kata-kata penghinaan, caci maki dari kakakku nor underestimated words by my brothers nor what’s happened to ko Dennise, but the words shouted by myself before thinking and just flown like a big stream flow. How many times I told them directly with my own quotes, perhaps they realized I am their sister and not an asshole who’s going to be a doctor. I just want they accepted me as their sister. No more. How human rules have a strength power on this world and I’m so idiot to think they wanna accept me as I am right now. Sometimes I wondered what they’re thinking about me, my family. Ashamed? Unacceptable. That’s human rules, dude!
I told every feeling I felt to my oldest brother, and he said I have to keep moving, don’t look at back again. Look once and learn it! Just once, no twice. So that’s how life still keep moving. If it could be, so I absolutely can do.
I told myself for many times “I WANNA MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Ketika gue menulis, gue merasa dunia membaik dan hati gue lepas. Freedom. Cita-cita gue dulu ingin membuat suatu novel tentang kehidupan gue sendiri bersama teman-teman. I hope so that’s not being a dream anymore.